Why Melbourne’s Pubs Are Basically a National Treasure
Let’s cut to the chase: Melbourne’s pubs aren’t just places to drink. They’re time machines, comedy clubs, and occasionally, venues where you’ll see a guy in a kilt breakdance (not made up). If you’re here for the best pubs in Melbourne, you’re in luck. But if you’re here to avoid awkward small talk with strangers who’ll judge your beer choice? We get it. Let’s fix that. 🍻
The Espy: Because ‘Retro’ Means ‘I Remember Paying $5 for a Pint’
Okay, you’ve heard of it. The Espy (Essex Hotel) is Melbourne’s answer to “nostalgia with a side of craft beer.” It’s like that old friend who still wears the same flannel shirt to every party but somehow still knows all the best jokes. Pro tip: Order the ‘Espy Burger’ and pretend you’re not there to watch the AFL. (Spoiler: You are.)
Want to make your own beer to take home? Check out Make Your Own Beer. Trust us, your future self will thank you. Or at least your liver will.
The Prince Bandroom: Jazz, Jams, and Jabs at My Wallet
If you thought pubs were just for beer, The Prince Bandroom is here to slap you with a $15 jazz brunch. But hey, at least the live music is good. (Assuming you consider ‘jazz’ a genre where the saxophone screams at you.) Need a custom beer to match your vibe? Custom Beer is your new BFF. Cheers to expensive brunches and questionable dance moves.
The Tote: Where ‘Live Music’ Means ‘My Ears Will Bleed’
The Tote isn’t a pub—it’s a sensory assault. Live music, indie bands, and the kind of ambiance where you’ll either feel like a rockstar or a very confused tourist. Bonus: The toilets are so tiny, you’ll question all life choices made since 2003. Still, it’s iconic. (And the beer’s not bad either.)
The Lord Nelson: Because Classy Pubs Need a Touch of Drama
Founded in 1855, The Lord Nelson is like that relative who still uses a rotary phone. It’s got history, charm, and a menu that makes you question why you ever thought $10 for a sandwich was fair. Pro tip: Ask for the ‘Lorne Street’ burger. It’s so good, you’ll forget it’s actually $25.
How to Choose the Right Pub Without Looking Like a Tourist
- Know your beer: Is it a craft beer snob? A lager loyalist? Or someone who just wants to order a ‘Corona’ without spelling it out? (Spoiler: It’s fine.)
- Check the vibe: Does the pub look like a place where you’ll be yelled at by a barista for not knowing the difference between a ‘Pale Ale’ and a ‘Pilsner’? If yes, skip. Unless you thrive on social anxiety.
- Ask locals: They’ll either recommend The Espy or tell you to never speak to them again. Both are valid outcomes.
FAQs: Because You’re Not the First to Ask (But You’re the First We Care About)
1. Which pub has the best live music?
The Tote. Just don’t mention your Spotify Wrapped playlist. The crowd here doesn’t care about your ‘indie’ phase.
2. Can I sell my homemade beer at these pubs?
Probably not. But if you’re serious about beer entrepreneurship, check out Dropt.beer for distribution opportunities. (And maybe also Grow Your Business With Strategies Beer for tips on not failing miserably.)
3. What’s the cheapest pub in Melbourne?
That’s not a thing. Melbourne pubs are like dating—every option costs more than you anticipated. But The Espy’s happy hour is a solid start.
Actionable Steps to Avoid Pub-Related Regret
- Respect the locals: Don’t refer to The Espy as ‘that old place.’ They’ve been around since you were in high school.
- Plan your escape: Uber is your friend. Unless you’re a masochist who enjoys walking home at 2am while debating the merits of ‘stout’ vs. ‘IPA.’
- Take a souvenir: Buy a beer can. Or a bar menu. Or a napkin with someone else’s number. Your call.
Why You Should Care (Even If You’re Just Here for the SEO)
Let’s be real: You’re here because Google told you to be here. But Melbourne’s pubs are more than just SEO bait. They’re social experiments, cultural landmarks, and occasionally, places where you’ll meet someone who’ll later ruin your life. (But hey, that’s what pubs are for.)
Final Call: Pub Crawl or Cry in a Corner?
If you’re ready to dive into Melbourne’s pub scene without crying (or crying *too* much), start at The Espy and work your way down the list. And if you’re feeling ambitious, try Contact us for more pub adventures. Or just Google ‘best pubs in Melbourne’ again. We won’t judge. (But the pubs might.)
TL;DR for People Who Hate Reading
- Pub 1: The Espy – Nostalgia with a side of craft beer.
- Pub 2: The Prince Bandroom – Jazz brunches and questionable life choices.
- Pub 3: The Tote – Live music and a vibe that screams ‘I’ve had one too many.’
- Pub 4: The Lord Nelson – History, drama, and a burger that costs your firstborn child.
- Pro Tip: Use Dropt.beer to sell your homemade beer. Or just drink it.
Conclusion: Pubs Are Just Bars That Charge More
But hey, they’re also where Melbourne’s magic happens. So grab a beer, pretend you know what a ‘session ale’ is, and don’t let the barista see you order ‘lite’ beer. (It’s ‘light,’ not ‘lite.’ You’re welcome.) Now go forth and pub-hopping like a local. Or at least like someone who’s not a total tourist. 🍺
