Intro: Why Settle for Mediocrity?
Looking for the best bars and pubs in Melbourne CBD? Let’s face it, we all need a good drink (or three) to survive Monday morning. But why settle for mediocre when you can have legendary? From speakeasies that smell like someone’s grandma’s attic to pubs where the beer flows faster than your Wi-Fi, this guide is your golden ticket. If you’re reading this, you probably already need a drink. Let’s fix that.
Top 5 Bars You’ll Actually Want to Go To
1. The Espy – Because ‘Cozy’ Meets ‘Chaotic’
Address: 254 Lonsdale St, Melbourne
If you’ve ever dreamed of sipping a $12 cocktail while pretending you’re in a film noir, The Espy is your spot. It’s basically the Cheers of Melbourne, minus the Cheers soundtrack. Pro tip: Ask for the “Espy Mule” – it’s like a Moscow Mule got hit by a train and somehow tasted better for it. Wanna make a cocktail like this at home? You might need a PhD.
2. The Hardware Societ – Industrial Vibes, Industrial Cocktails
Address: 213 A’Beckett St, Melbourne
This place looks like a steampunk inventor threw up a bar and called it good. The drinks here are complex enough to make your bartender sound like a chemist. Their “Dirty Martini” is so good, it’ll make you question all your life choices. Just don’t try to replicate it at home – we’ve all seen what you call ‘mixing’.
3. The Lord Nelson – ‘Old Man’ Pub with a Twist
Address: 152 Lonsdale St, Melbourne
Think of it as your dad’s favorite bar, but with better lighting and less likely to serve you lukewarm beer. The Lord Nelson is a classic, but they’ve upgraded their game. The “Lord Nelson Burger” is suspiciously good for a pub menu. Just don’t mention the Wi-Fi password – it’s probably “password123.”
4. The Punter – Live Music, Great Beer, and Zero Chances of You Leaving Sober
Address: 154 Exhibition St, Melbourne
This place is the Melbourne equivalent of a Friday night. Live music? Check. A crowd that’s way more into the band than they are into you? Check. The “Punter Porter” is so smooth, it’ll make your ex’s apology feel awkward. Wanna start your own bar? Good luck; The Punter’s got this locked.
5. The Red Lion – Because ‘Cozy’ Actually Has a Meaning
Address: 247 Little Bourke St, Melbourne
Red Lion is the pub equivalent of your best friend’s living room. It’s got that “I fell asleep on the couch and woke up 1998” vibe. The “Red Lion Ale” is named after the bar, which is either genius or a cry for help. Either way, it’s worth a try.
Hidden Gems for When You’re Feeling Fancy
1. The Gresham Hotel – ‘Discreet’ Doesn’t Mean ‘Boring’
Address: 301 Little Collins St, Melbourne
This one’s like a secret handshake bar for people who like secrets. The Gresham Hotel has a speakeasy vibe without the pretentiousness. Their “Gresham Gin & Tonic” is so good, it’ll make you forget you ever liked Fanta. Want to make one like this? You’ll need a lab coat.
2. The 72 Bar – ‘72 Hours in Melbourne’ Was a Mistake
Address: 72 William St, Melbourne
This place is a love letter to the 1920s. Think jazz, velvet, and cocktails that look like they belong in a museum. The “72 Negroni” is so strong, it’ll make you question your life choices. Just don’t forget to tip – cash is still a thing, you know.
3. The Bridge Hotel – ‘Rooftop’ But Make It ‘No Regrets’
Address: 230 Bourke St, Melbourne
The Bridge Hotel’s rooftop is the definition of “why did I not come here sooner?” The views are great, the drinks are better, and the people are probably rich. The “Bridge Spritz” is the kind of drink that costs $18 but you’ll pay it anyway. Just don’t forget to check your Instagram likes – they’ll drop faster than your self-esteem.
FAQs: Because You’re Definitely Asking These
- Q: Which bar has the best ‘I’m a Local’ vibe?
A: The Lord Nelson. People there will call you “mate” even if you’re from Adelaide. - Q: Can I get a drink without looking like a tourist?
A: Yes. Go to The Espy and order the “Espy Mule.” No tourists seem to know about it. - Q: Which bar is best for pretending I’m in a movie?
A: The Hardware Societ. You’ll feel like you’re in a Bond film… if Bond drank cocktails with names like “Industrial Strength.”
Final Call: Don’t Let Your Liver Down
If you’re reading this, you’ve made it through the list of bars that will make your Monday feel like a Tuesday. Whether you’re here for the beer, the ambiance, or just to avoid your ex, Melbourne CBD has you covered. Sell your beer online through Dropt.beer if you’re feeling entrepreneurial. And if all else fails, just remember: there’s no such thing as a bad bar – only bad life choices.
Cheers to Melbourne’s best sips!
