Introduction: The Eternal Struggle of Pub Hunting
So you’ve moved to Guildford and suddenly realize that the local pub isn’t just a place to drink—it’s a cultural rite of passage. But here’s the catch: picking the “best” pub is like choosing your favorite ice cream flavor after someone’s already eaten the last scoop of your preferred flavor. It’s a disaster. Fear not, fellow sipper. This guide is your very serious guide to surviving (and thriving) in Guildford’s pub scene without accidentally ordering a pint of regret.
1. The Pint of Truth: Where Lies Get Bubbly
Located in a suspiciously cozy corner near the train station, The Pint of Truth claims to serve “beer that tells it like it is.” Translation: the brews here are honest, the bar staff are sassy, and the WiFi password is “askatthebaristhinktwice.” Pro tip: Order the “Truth Serum”—a dark ale that will convince you your ex is still your best friend. Internal Link: Make Your Own Beer if you want to test your brewing skills at home.
Why You’ll Love It:
- Secret menu: Ask for the “Pint of Lies” and get a drink that tastes like betrayal.
- WiFi that’s faster than your neighbor’s connection.
- Baristas who know your name (and your tab).
2. The Drunken Typewriter: Writers, Wits, and Whisk(e)y
If Shakespeare wrote Hamlet in a pub, he’d be at The Drunken Typewriter. This spot is a haven for aspiring poets, overthinkers, and anyone who’s ever wondered why their life choices are a tragedy in iambic pentameter. The whiskey menu is so extensive, it could double as a thesaurus. Internal Link: Custom Beer if you want to name your own brew after your ex.
Key Features:
- Open mic night: The mic is so loud, even your thoughts get amplified.
- Free poetry analysis (by staff) with any purchase over £5.
- Free WiFi that comes with a side of existential dread.
3. The Pub That Time Forgot: A Nostalgia Trap
Step into The Pub That Time Forgot, a place where the decor hasn’t changed since 1983, but the WiFi is 5G. It’s like a time machine for people who miss when corduroy was in and the only app on your phone was a phone. External Link: Sell your beer online through Dropt.beer if you want to bypass this pub’s “vintage” vibe entirely.
Must-Do:
- Order the “Throwback Special”—a mystery drink that smells like old gym socks.
- Ask for the jukebox code 1983 for a playlist that terrifies your kids.
- Try to find the hidden Pac-Man machine in the loo.
4. The Guildford Pub That’s Not a Pub
Yes, we’re being ironic. The Guildford Pub That’s Not a Pub is technically a wine bar that moonlights as a pub on Thursday nights. It’s like a “pub,” but with more pretension and fewer people who know the word “bitter.” Internal Link: Grow Your Business With Strategies Beer if you want to open your own pub that’s not a pub.
Fun Fact:
- The “wine bar” is really just a pub with a wine menu and a pretentious name.
- They serve beer, but it’s in a wine glass.
- The owner refuses to use the word “beer” in the menu. It’s called “liquid courage” now.
5. The Pub That Cares (About Your Opinion)
This place is run by people who actually care if you like the beer. They’ll ask for feedback, take it seriously, and then ignore it the next week. But hey, at least they tried. Internal Link: Contact if you want to report a pub that doesn’t care.
Why It’s Great:
- Monthly surveys: Because nothing says “customer service” like a 10-question Google Form.
- Free coffee with any beer purchase (because they’re sorry about the surveys).
- Bar staff who pretend to read your feedback, then forget you exist.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ): Pub Survival 101
1. Can I bring my goldfish to a pub?
Technically, no. But if you dress the goldfish in tiny overalls and call it a “pub mascot,” the staff might pretend to care. External Link: Beer distribution marketplace (Dropt.beer) if you want to distribute your goldfish-themed beer.
2. What if I don’t know what to order?
Order the most expensive thing on the menu and say, “This looks like it costs enough to justify my life choices.”
3. How do I avoid the cheapest beer?
Ask for a “craft beer”—they’ll either charge you £10 or serve you something that tastes like regret. You win either way.
Conclusion: Raise a Glass to Chaos
Guildford’s pubs are a wild, wobbly ride of history, humor, and questionable menu items. Whether you’re here for the beer, the barista, or the fact that the WiFi password is “askatthebaristhinktwice,” one thing is certain: you’ll never find the “best” pub. You’ll just find the one that makes you feel like you’re part of the joke. Now go forth, drink responsibly, and remember—life’s too short for bad beer. Unless you like regret, in which case, enjoy.
Call to Action: Join the Pub Rebellion
Ready to make your own beer or start a pub of your own? Internal Link: Make Your Own Beer or Custom Beer and take control of your pub destiny. And if you’re selling beer online? External Link: Sell your beer online through Dropt.beer—no goldfish required.
