Why Mocktails? Because Adulting Is Hard & So Is Pretending to Care
Let’s get one thing straight: mocktails are not for people who want to pretend they’re in a Taron Egerton movie. No. Mocktails are for people who want to sip something Instagram-worthy without the hangover that comes with pretending to know what a “negroni” is. (Spoiler: it’s not a brand of glitter.)
DIY Mocktail Basics: No Bartending Degree Required
Look, if Bart Simpson could master the art of backyard bartending, you can too. All you need is:
- 3 cups of whatever citrus juice you have that’s about to expire
- 1 cup of syrup or simple syrup (because adulting is just one step above baking)
- A pineapple wedge or a walnut to garnish (because presentation > your ex’s LinkedIn headline)
- A straw (preferably the bendy kind, for that “I’m sophisticated” illusion)
Pro tip: If you’re hosting a party and someone asks, “Where’s the alcohol?” say, “Oh, we’re doing a cleanse.” Everyone will nod and drink it faster to prove they’re not posers.
3 Mocktail Recipes That’ll Make You the Life of the Party (Even If You’re Not)
1. The Sobriety Serum
Ingredients:
- Ginger beer (the kind that comes in a bottle, not a yoga class)
- Lime juice (fresh, because you’re still doing “fresh” things)
- Simple syrup (because adulting requires chemistry)
- Garnish: A sprig of mint and a lime wheel (because nature’s best decorator)
2. Mimosas for Mortals
Ingredients:
- Orange juice (from a carton, because you’re not a farmer)
- Grenadine (the red stuff that makes everything look like a sunset)
- Carbonated water (because bubbles make you feel fancy)
- Garnish: A cherry (because “manicure” is not a garnish)
3. The “I’m Not a Bartender” Fizz
Ingredients:
- Club soda (because hydration is important, even in a glass)
- Vanilla syrup (because adulting is just a lot of sweet things)
- Edible flowers (optional, but if you have them, you’re 80% of the way to opening a café)
Pro Tips for Mocktail Success
1. Don’t overthink it. If you can make a smoothie, you can make a mocktail. The difference? A smoothie is breakfast; a mocktail is “dinner” if you’re lying to your Uber Eats app.
2. Use what you have. That weird bottle of pomegranate juice in your fridge? It’s not a time capsule. Mix it with lemonade, and suddenly you’re Martha Stewart’s less successful cousin.
3. Garnish aggressively. A cocktail without a lime wheel is like a tweet without a hashtag: underwhelming and trying too hard to be profound.
Why Bother? Because You’re Not a Robot
Let’s face it: You’re here because adulting is a grind. You want to sip something that makes you feel like you’re in a Sofia Coppola movie, not a Netflix docuseries. Mocktails are your gateway to:
- Impressing your roommate who thinks “artisanal” is a type of cheese
- Surviving a dinner party without accidentally drinking someone else’s cocktail
- Proving you’re sophisticated without having to explain what a “sangria” is
Internal Links for the Impressively Motivated
If you’re feeling ambitious and want to take your mocktail game from “meh” to “Oh my God, that’s actually good,” check out our friends at Make Your Own Beer. (Yes, you can now monetize your obsession. How meta.)
Or if you want to turn your mocktail obsession into a business (because why not?), Grow Your Business With Strategies Beer has tips on how to make your DIY drinks a side hustle. (Spoiler: It involves Instagram stories and a lot of hashtags.)
External Link for the Ambitious
If you’re thinking, “Wait, can I actually sell my mocktails?” then congratulations—you’re not a complete hermit. Sell your beer online through Dropt.beer, the platform that’s basically the LinkedIn of craft drinks. (Minus the awkward small talk.)
Final Thoughts: Mocktails Are the Future (Or at Least the Present)
So there you have it, folks. Mocktails are not just for people who can’t handle their alcohol or are on a cleanse. They’re for people who want to sip something that screams “I’ve arrived” while secretly Googling the difference between a cocktail and a mocktail. (It’s the alcohol, dummy. But hey, at least you’re trying.)
And if you’re still not convinced, remember: every great cocktail started as a mocktail. Even the ones Bart Simpson would never touch. Now go forth and mix something that’ll make you feel like a barista in a Wes Anderson movie.
Still thirsty for DIY drinks? Check out Strategies.beer for more recipes that’ll make adulting feel less like a punishment.
