Introduction: Brighton Pubs 101
Picture this: You’re a tourist in Brighton, Melbourne, with zero idea where to find the best pub. Google maps you to a place called “The Drunken Parrot,” which turns out to be a tattoo parlor. YOLO. Or maybe you’re a local who’s been to every bar in town and need a refresher on where to avoid (spoiler: the one that serves “artisanal lager” in a Solo cup).
Brighton’s pubs are a vibe. They’re not just places to order a pint—they’re characters in a pub crawl movie where the plot is “get very drunk without dying.” Let’s break down the OGs, the new kids on the block, and the secret societies of the beer world. Buckle up, this is going to be a wild ride.
The OGs of Brighton: Pubs That Predate Your Parents’ Divorce
These old-timers have been around since the 90s (yes, that 90s). They’re like the grumpy uncle at a family reunion—you don’t love them, but you respect their 30-year-old stories about “before this place was a suburb.”
- The Drunken Parrot: A staple since the 80s. The menu is a mystery, the beer is a surprise, and the owner’s backstory involves a parrot who once bit a customer. Pro tip: Ask for the “parrot special”—it’s just lager, but it’s served in a mug shaped like a bird. 🦜
- The Golden Tap: Known for its “vintage” vibe (read: chipped glasses and a jukebox that plays “Sweet Caroline” on loop). The staff here thinks they’re in a 1980s sitcom. If you ask for a recommendation, they’ll say, “It’s all good. But the lager? That’s the stuff.”
Pro tip: These pubs are great for people-watching. You’ll see a guy in a leather jacket arguing with the jukebox, a group of uni students debating the merits of “craft” vs. “regular” beer, and one dude who’s clearly just there for the free snacks.
New Kids on the Block: Pubs Trying Too Hard to Be Cool
These spots are to Brighton what TikTok is to human attention spans—new, flashy, and slightly cringe. But hey, they’ve got the craft beer on tap and the “small batch” ethos.
- The Velvet Tap: A “speakeasy” vibe that’s 100% Instagrammable. The menu has words like “artisanal,” “small-batch,” and “locally sourced.” The beer is good, the ambiance is overpriced, and the bouncer will side-eye you if you don’t dress like a vampire. 🧛
- The Crafty Fox: A pub that’s 90% hipster and 10% “this is just a bar.” They serve a rotating selection of craft beers, but their real claim to fame is the “fox on the wall” mural that’s been there since the 2000s. No one knows why it’s there. Maybe someone’s ex left it as a parting gift.
Pro tip: If you’re here for the novelty, order the “special” and try to sound knowledgeable. The barista will nod approvingly and say, “That’s our most experimental batch.” It’s not. It’s just a slightly more expensive version of what you’d get at the OGs.
The Secret Societies: Hidden Gems That Don’t Want You to Know About Them
These pubs are like the Hogwarts of Brighton. You can’t find them unless someone tells you the password (or the exact address). They’re the kind of places where the regulars know your name, the owner thinks they’re the only person who drinks there, and the beer is so good it might make you forget why you were sad in the first place.
- The Cellar Door: Located under a laundromat. You don’t find it unless you know where to look. The beer is always cold, the owner is always grumpy, and the jukebox has a song for every decade. Bonus: They have a secret door that leads to a room where no one knows about. 🔒
- The Midnight Moose: Only open after 10 PM. The menu is written on a napkin. The owner is a moose in a human suit. The beer? It’s the kind of drink that makes you feel like you’re in a post-apocalyptic movie. 🐆
Pro tip: If you want to go to The Midnight Moose, don’t tell anyone. If you do, they’ll change the hours and the address. It’s a survival tactic.
FAQs: Because You Probably Have Questions
- Q: What’s the best pub for a first-time visitor?
A: The Drunken Parrot is a classic. It’s got the vibe, the stories, and the slightly sketchy staff that makes you feel like you’re in a crime thriller.
- Q: Where can I find the best craft beer in Brighton?
A: The Velvet Tap has a rotating selection that would make a beer connoisseur weep. Just don’t ask for a recommendation—order the first thing you see and pretend you know what you’re doing.
- Q: How do I avoid the tourist traps?
A: If a bar has a neon sign that says “Welcome!” in multiple languages, it’s a trap. Run. Fast. The locals will be watching, and they’ll judge you for falling for it.
Conclusion: Cheers to Brighton’s Pubs
Brighton’s pubs are more than just places to drink. They’re time capsules, social experiments, and sometimes just good old-fashioned dives. Whether you’re there for the beer, the stories, or the chance to get lost in a neighborhood that doesn’t care if you find your way back, these spots are a must-visit.
So next time you’re in Brighton, ask yourself: Do I want to be the person who orders the same lager every night, or do I want to explore the pubs that might just make me question my life choices? The answer is probably the latter. Now go forth and get properly lost. 🍻
Pro Tip: If you’re a pub owner in Brighton, check out Dropt.beer to sell your beer online. It’s the modern way to expand your kingdom without leaving your barstool.
