Welcome, fellow adult. Let’s talk pubs.
Imagine this: You stroll into a pub, ready to impress your friends with your “local knowledge.” You order a “local favorite” and get handed a lukewarm pint of something that tastes like regret. Sound familiar? Welcome to the world of pub-hopping, where the line between “cool” and “tourist trap” is thinner than a lager head. Fear not—this guide will turn you into a pub pro (or at least someone who doesn’t ask for a “mystery brew”).
How to Choose the Right Pub (Without Looking Like a Tourist)
Rule #1: If there’s a queue of people taking selfies, you’re in the wrong place. True pub gems don’t need Instagram filters to sparkle. Look for places with locals who look like they’ve been there since 1983. Pro tip: Avoid pubs with menus that say “craft beer” in Comic Sans. That’s a code for “we’re trying way too hard.”
1. Local Knowledge is Power
Ask your bartender for a recommendation. Not the one with the neon sign that says “Brewery Tourist Trap.” Find the off-hours crowd. If the bartender says, “Oh, we’ve got a cask ale on tap this week,” you’re in the right spot. Bonus points if they mention the beer’s name in a way that makes it sound like a secret handshake.
2. Walk, Don’t Skip, to the Bar
Bars with more than three taps are suspicious. Bars with fewer than two taps are even more suspicious. The sweet spot? 5–7 taps. It’s like Goldilocks’ beer: not too many, not too few, just enough to make you question your life choices.
Must-Try Brews at the Best Pubs
Let’s be real: You don’t come to a pub for the ambiance. You’re here for the liquid courage (and the liquid that actually tastes like it was brewed properly). Here are three beers you should order, plus three you can politely decline.
3. The Classics You Can’t Skip
- IPA (India Pale Ale): Bold, bitter, and perfect for pretending you’re trendy. Pro tip: Order it “on draft” if you want to sound like you know what you’re doing.
- Stout: Like coffee, but with more hops. Ideal for when you want to feel sophisticated but also like you’ve been drinking since the dawn of time.
- Pilsner: The “I’m not trying too hard” beer. Crisp, refreshing, and perfect for when you’re pretending you’re German.
4. The Traps You Can Avoid
- “Craft” Lager: Just a fancy name for “regular beer with a higher price tag.”
- Flavored Beer: Raspberry wheat? Coconut porter? It’s like the beer equivalent of a neon suit in the 80s. Pass.
- Anything That Tastes Like Fruit Loops: If it smells like a fruit snack, it probably is one.
Pub Etiquette: Do’s, Don’ts, and How to Not Get Kicked Out
Pub etiquette is a minefield of “should I?” and “shouldn’t I not?” Here’s the cheat sheet.
5. Do: Ask for Local Tips
“Hey, what’s the best beer here?” is a safe opener. But if the bartender says, “We’ve got a few options,” and then stares at you like you asked for a fire extinguisher, you’re in a tourist trap.
6. Don’t: Order by Volume
“Can I get a pint?” sounds like you’re ordering a drink. “Can I get a half-pint?” sounds like you’re ordering a drink and a nap. Stick to “a pint” unless you’re in Ireland, where “half” is a full-sized glass and you’ll look like a tourist who’s also a mathlete.
7. Do: Tip Like a Local
In the U.S., tipping is mandatory. In the UK? It’s less about the money and more about the vibe. If the bartender smiles at you, leave a pound. If they look like they’re waiting for you to get a divorce, tip extra hard. You’re not just paying for the beer—you’re funding their therapy.
FAQs: The Best Pubs and Brews Edition
Got questions? We’ve got answers—and a few opinions you didn’t ask for.
8. What’s the best way to order a beer without sounding like a tourist?
Order by the style, not by the name. “Can I get a dark ale?” is better than “Can I get a Guinness?” (unless you’re in Ireland, where ordering a Guinness is the universal language of pub respect).
9. How do I know if a pub is legit?
If the bartender says, “We’ve got a few rotating taps,” and you can’t read the menu because of the neon lights, you’re in a tourist trap. Legit pubs have a chalkboard with tap names written in marker that looks like it was last cleaned in 2003.
10. Should I try the “local favorite”?
Always. Unless it smells like someone tried to brew beer in a bathtub. Then, politely decline and walk away slowly.
Real-Life Examples: Pubs That Kill It
Here are three pubs that are doing it right (and where you can find them).
11. The Hoppy Hare (Portland, OR)
This pub has 12 taps and a vibe that screams “I’m a craft beer bar, but I’m not trying too hard.” Their rotating IPAs are fresh enough to make you forget you once thought Coors Light was a good idea.
12. The Ale Baron (London, UK)
A classic British pub with a cask ale on tap. If you’re there at 3 PM, the locals are already half-drunk and will be happy to share stories about “the good old days” (which were probably in the 70s).
13. Brew Haven (Austin, TX)
A Texas-sized pub with a menu that reads like a beer encyclopedia. Their Texas Lager is a masterpiece of “why yes, I do enjoy drinking something that tastes like sunshine and hops.”
Final Call to Action: Be the Pub Pro You Were Meant to Be
Armed with your new pub knowledge, it’s time to hit the streets. Order confidently, sip wisely, and remember: the goal isn’t to look like a local. The goal is to survive the pub crawl without accidentally ordering a beer that tastes like a neon orange soda.
Want to take your beer game to the next level? Check out Strategies.beer’s guide to making your own beer or create a custom beer label that screams “I’m not a tourist.” And if you’re a brewer looking to sell your beer online, head over to Dropt.beer to get your brews on shelves and into pints.
Now go forth, friend. The pub is waiting.
