Why This List Is Better Than Your Bar Crawl GPS
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably asked, “Where the hell should I drink tonight?” at least once. Well, here’s your answer. We’ve ranked the 50 best bars in North America, but let’s be honest: this list is just an excuse to write jokes about overpriced cocktails and bad bartenders. Buckle up, party animal.
How We Ranked These Bars (Spoiler: It Wasn’t a Voting Booth)
Our methodology? Simple. We asked 5,000 people to rate bars, then averaged the results. Wait—no, that’s not true. We Googled “best bars in Toronto” and copied the top 50. But hey, who needs accuracy when you’ve got a 50% off happy hour?
The Top 5 Bars You’ll Probably Never Visit
- Bar 1: The Craft Cocktails Lab (Austin, TX) – Where scientists make drinks you can’t pronounce.
- Bar 2: The Speakeasy of Doom (Chicago, IL) – Password: “I’m not here for the vibes.”
- Bar 3: The Billionaire’s Lounge (New York, NY) – $500 for a whiskey, but it’s tax deductible.
- Bar 4: The Retro Dive Bar (Vancouver, BC) – Has a jukebox from 1988 and a bartender who thinks 2023 is a typo.
- Bar 5: The Vegan Wine Bar (Portland, OR) – No meat, no alcohol, just kale juice and guilt.
Why You Should Care (Hint: It’s Not About the Alcohol)
Bars are more than places to get drunk. They’re social clubs, networking hubs, and sometimes, they’re just the only place your crush agrees to meet. Here’s why this list is your new best friend:
- Discover Hidden Gems: From underground speakeasies to rooftop lounges with skyline views, we’ve got you covered.
- Learn the Ropes: Want to make your own bar at home? Check out our guide to creating the perfect home bar—no PhD required.
- Grow Your Business: Bars can thrive by embracing trends like craft cocktails and QR menus. (Spoiler: QR menus are just Google Docs.)
FAQs: The Most Annoying Questions We’ve Been Asked
Why Are There No Bars in My City?
Because your city’s best bar is a gas station vending machine that sells wine. (We’re looking at you, Des Moines.)
What If I Can’t Afford the Top Bars?
Buy a $5 bottle of wine, put it in a fancy glass, and pretend you’re at Bar 1. Pro tip: It works.
How Do I Impress My Date With a Cocktail?
Order a drink you can’t pronounce. Bonus points if you spill half of it on your shirt. It’s called “romantic chaos.”
Real Examples From the Field (A.K.A. Our Nights Out)
Let’s get real. We’ve all been to bars where the bartender thinks “craft” means “stick a lemon wedge on your forehead.” Here are some real-life horror/joy stories:
- The Overpriced Wine Bar: Pay $12 for a glass of wine that costs $3 in the grocery store. Bonus: The sommelier will tell you it “tastes like your childhood.”
- The Bartender Who Hates You: You ask for a martini. They say, “I make those for my ex-wife. Want one?”
- The Bar With No WiFi: Perfect for pretending you’re in “the real world.” Also, great for pretending you’re not.
Take Action Before Your Liver Quits on You
Here’s what to do next:
- Make Your Own Bar: Buy a $200 bottle of whiskey and call it “The Reserve Blend.”
- Grow Your Business: Sell your beer online through Dropt.beer—because nobody has time to leave their couch.
- Contact Us: If you think we missed a bar, email us. We’ll add it, then forget to include it in the final list.
Conclusion: Don’t Take This List Seriously (But Do Share It)
This list is a mix of fact, fiction, and whatever bars paid us in free drinks. Use it as a guide, a joke, or a reason to plan a trip you’ll never take. And if all else fails, remember: the best bar is the one where your friends are. (Or the one with free nachos.)
For more bar adventures, DIY cocktail guides, and business strategies, check out Strategies.beer. And if you’re a bar owner, learn how to grow your business without sounding like a capitalist pig.
